My name is Art and I’m a Software Engineer/Comedian. Which means that my jokes were written by machine learning, deep learning, viral networks, artificial integrals and bla-bla that nobody understands. There is 99% chance that you will like them.
California Dream poster says – It’s the only place where you can hike, ski and surf – all in one day! Bitch didn’t mention that I won’t have time for all of that, with 5 jobs just to pay my rent!
This place is so expensive! Only in California salads are more expensive than Big Mac Meal in Europe!
And have you heard about Starbucks platinum membership? It’s when you buy 500 $5 drinks and get 1 for absolutely for free!!
So when I moved from Maryland to Silicon Valley, I went to interview with a nice blue jacket! I failed like 10 of them in a row. But I kept going. So after failing so many times I threw away my blue jacket and got myself a grey hoodie. I was hired instantly at Apple.
Bitches initially thought I was a sales guy who got into a wrong door!
So after I got in, I started interviewing people. I immediately tell candidate that I don’t like spagetthi code. I can’t stand people chewing spaghetti while I look at their code. Especially smelly sphagetti code.
One of my favorite interview questions:
How many tequila shots does it take for programmer to finish the project?
Stacks of tequilas over hash tables of whiskey in a binary tree of beer with space complexity 1!
Have you heard about this great diet for programmers? No?
When you stop using StackOverflow for a month. You sweat and get thinner as the deadline will approach.
I love San Francisco!
You can get a luxury apartment in San Francisco, SOMA, for just a 4.9 million. Great view, expensive groceries, smell of piss everywhere and tiny space! You will amaze your friends with price tag. They will think your rich or you’re crazy. But don’t think about now, think about nice view. By the way did you know that there are three uses of high rise parks?
1. Take selfies
2. Eat and hangout with colleagues
3. Tell about it every time you meet new people!
Have you seen Sales Force Transit center? Park on the rooftop, tall and beautiful steel walls, would make a great Fight scene for Avengers… But first they have to fight the homeless bums!
Here is the goal for me. Move to a Silicon Valley. Work day and night, live in a shit hole. It’s ok if my wife leaves me. It’s ok if my friends leave me. I will make a startup, hopefully and sell it for millions, hopefully or billions of dollars, hopefully and become cool like Elon Musk. And I will look for wife who doesn’t care about money, and friends who don’t care about money. And I will keep working even more to not get kicked out of my own company! Like Steve Job or Elon Musk.
Talking about Elon, he’s a great guy, invents everything. Elon, can you invent a teleport so I can teleport my wife to Mars? When we argue.
You know what is common between you and Elon Musk? You both want to date young and beautiful women from ShowBiz. Except he can.
So, we are driving in a car, kids fell asleep, my wife too. I turned on autopilot on my tesla and fell asleep too. Thanks Elon! Then on a news I heard that he was driving my tesla remotely because autopilot was not ready! Again.
You know which app is going to be most popular app when autopilots are everywhere? The one that makes you solve math puzzles when you’re drunk, so you don’t enter your ex’s address into autopilot!
I love Silicon Valley.
I want to be a venture capitalist one day. It’s when you bet with other people’s money on other people’s ideas and if you win you take all the credit if you don’t – well Better luck next time, suckers!!
“Follow the money”. That what Top Venture Capitalist told me. But looking at his twitter he’s all about building better future, helping entrepreneurs and saving turtles. I love turtles. I bet he likes them too. On his plate in a fancy restaurant.
I asked my friend venture capitalist how he’s picking In which start ups to invest.
He’s like:
If she is the woman – check
If she’s beautiful – check
If she single – check
If she has a great idea – who cares
If she’s desperate – check – check
This is when I … ask for 50% of the company!!
I wanna finish up with the advice that Tim Cook gave me when I was coming to your company. This what made Apple successful, I believe it can make you successful too. Everytime we release a product, let’s say loud and clear – This is the best product we ever made!